Coming to Terms with Falling in Love
Falling in love is hard. The hardest type of love though, is self-love.
It's summer, so you know what that means- the Instagram models are out to play. In fact, they're already starting to post their sponsored bikini pictures with their perfectly proportioned bodies and thin legs that have not one stretch mark in sight.
I have never been a "bigger" girl. I've always been active, dancing since I was three and playing soccer for 10 years. I was always comfortable with my body. That is, until last summer when I broke my foot. I, of course, completely stopped doing any form of movement except for getting up to shower and crawling to my stash of food since walking down the steps of my apartment was too challenging.
Fast forward 10 months, and I am 30 pounds heavier than I was before I broke my foot. I guess that doesn't seem like a lot when I really think about it, but that extra weight has done nothing but negative things for my mental health and especially my physical appearance. My stomach is bigger and I have stretch marks on my lower back. My legs are bigger and I have stretch marks on my inner thighs. I'm not even talking about the light ones that no one can see- they're bright red and quite possibly the thing I hate most about my body. Nothing from last year fits me anymore, and every time I try to go shopping for new clothes that compliment my new found curves I have a mental breakdown in the dressing room and need to leave.
One thing that doesn't quite make sense to me is this: If I am so unhappy with my body, why don't I do something to change it? I try eating healthy but end up quitting a few days later when I crave fast food. I can't bring myself to go to the gym to work out because I don't want everyone to look at me like they just saw a beached whale wash up on the shore.
Don't get me wrong, I know that I'm not "fat." The amount of times my friends get mad at me for saying so is more often than not. I feel "fat" because I have never been uncomfortable in my body before. I have never wanted to wear leggings and a big sweatshirt every day to hide myself from the world. But when it comes time to pick out my outfit for the day, I always find those two things in my hands.
Although I am feeling very defeated when it comes to my physical appearance, my emotional state is getting better. I am starting to learn how to look at the positives instead of the negatives. I am doing more things that make me happy, like staying in and listening to music when I would usually force myself to go out and be miserable while I'm chugging a horribly made mixed drink.
I graduated college. I never thought I would be able to say that statement but here I am, with a diploma on the way to my apartment. I got all A's and B's this semester, and became active in more activities outside of the classroom. I got an amazing internship and a new job and have a lot of great things going for my career.
I am more in touch with my spirituality. I am learning how to forgive. I am learning how to love again, and also learning when to let go of toxic friends and energy that is holding me back. Most importantly, I am learning how to fall in love with myself, my life and the hardships that I will be presented with in the future.
All of these non-physical successes are helping me come to terms with my image issues. I am beautiful and selfless and deserve every good thing that is coming my way within the next few months. Maybe I am not in love with my outer shell just yet, but I sure am in love with my inner beauty.
I wish I had words of advice for people who are not comfortable with how they look. I also wish you would realize how truly beautiful you are as well. Beauty standards in the world are built to make people hate the way they look so they buy multiple products/enhancements to get you one step closer to the norms. Yes, there is nothing wrong with getting eyelash extensions and going to the gym every day just because you do and you're doing it for you. But, I have seen some of my closest friends nearly kill themselves to be super skinny and what society considers "beautiful."
I think, overall, it's time for everyone to fall in love with themselves in every way possible.
Love always,
A
It's summer, so you know what that means- the Instagram models are out to play. In fact, they're already starting to post their sponsored bikini pictures with their perfectly proportioned bodies and thin legs that have not one stretch mark in sight.
I have never been a "bigger" girl. I've always been active, dancing since I was three and playing soccer for 10 years. I was always comfortable with my body. That is, until last summer when I broke my foot. I, of course, completely stopped doing any form of movement except for getting up to shower and crawling to my stash of food since walking down the steps of my apartment was too challenging.
Fast forward 10 months, and I am 30 pounds heavier than I was before I broke my foot. I guess that doesn't seem like a lot when I really think about it, but that extra weight has done nothing but negative things for my mental health and especially my physical appearance. My stomach is bigger and I have stretch marks on my lower back. My legs are bigger and I have stretch marks on my inner thighs. I'm not even talking about the light ones that no one can see- they're bright red and quite possibly the thing I hate most about my body. Nothing from last year fits me anymore, and every time I try to go shopping for new clothes that compliment my new found curves I have a mental breakdown in the dressing room and need to leave.
One thing that doesn't quite make sense to me is this: If I am so unhappy with my body, why don't I do something to change it? I try eating healthy but end up quitting a few days later when I crave fast food. I can't bring myself to go to the gym to work out because I don't want everyone to look at me like they just saw a beached whale wash up on the shore.
Don't get me wrong, I know that I'm not "fat." The amount of times my friends get mad at me for saying so is more often than not. I feel "fat" because I have never been uncomfortable in my body before. I have never wanted to wear leggings and a big sweatshirt every day to hide myself from the world. But when it comes time to pick out my outfit for the day, I always find those two things in my hands.
Although I am feeling very defeated when it comes to my physical appearance, my emotional state is getting better. I am starting to learn how to look at the positives instead of the negatives. I am doing more things that make me happy, like staying in and listening to music when I would usually force myself to go out and be miserable while I'm chugging a horribly made mixed drink.
I graduated college. I never thought I would be able to say that statement but here I am, with a diploma on the way to my apartment. I got all A's and B's this semester, and became active in more activities outside of the classroom. I got an amazing internship and a new job and have a lot of great things going for my career.
I am more in touch with my spirituality. I am learning how to forgive. I am learning how to love again, and also learning when to let go of toxic friends and energy that is holding me back. Most importantly, I am learning how to fall in love with myself, my life and the hardships that I will be presented with in the future.
All of these non-physical successes are helping me come to terms with my image issues. I am beautiful and selfless and deserve every good thing that is coming my way within the next few months. Maybe I am not in love with my outer shell just yet, but I sure am in love with my inner beauty.
I wish I had words of advice for people who are not comfortable with how they look. I also wish you would realize how truly beautiful you are as well. Beauty standards in the world are built to make people hate the way they look so they buy multiple products/enhancements to get you one step closer to the norms. Yes, there is nothing wrong with getting eyelash extensions and going to the gym every day just because you do and you're doing it for you. But, I have seen some of my closest friends nearly kill themselves to be super skinny and what society considers "beautiful."
I think, overall, it's time for everyone to fall in love with themselves in every way possible.
Love always,
A
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